Welcome to the Writing with Coach McCoach Podcast. I'm your host, Katie McCoach, book coach, confidant, and cheerleader. Since 2012, I've helped hundreds of writers become authors, gain confidence, and grow their best stories yet. Together, we'll untangle the vines of chaos and uncertainty surrounding how to be a writer so you can grow into the author you are meant to be. Let's dig in, writer.
Let's get ready with me while I talk about just a bunch of shit I've learned this year, right? So I want to kind of go through just some just life lessons, things that I've experienced this year. It has been a massive year of shift for me and I just really want to share that. I'm just going to go through a bunch of different things that I've learned this year and tools I've used and just anything that I think someone might gain something from because especially a year where I am telling you that I started the year with probably the most self-doubt I've ever faced in my life and it took me all year.
I'm not gonna lie. It took me all year to really grow and change and start to reach a point where actually I'm like oh I think I'm gonna be okay and I know that sounds a little big and heavy and maybe a little much for this time of year. That's just how you know it panned out. I was so excited for the beginning of last year.
So for a little backstory, this time last year I was launching a program. I was like okay this is what's gonna change everything. This is gonna be my epic thing that is gonna just like rock 2023. I'm gonna start it in January. It's gonna be this huge awesome program. It felt super aligned. I was so excited. I couldn't wait and then I've convinced myself, new year hit, and I convinced myself that it flopped. The reality is it did not flop. It's just I told myself that because I didn't get the number of people I wanted that it flopped. And so even if you go back you can listen to my there's a podcast episode from the beginning of 2023 and it's like what I've learned from failure. And so even though yes it kind of it failed the way that I had it set up, I had the narrative that I flopped. I failed. I couldn't fucking do it. And then I leaned into this narrative for the rest of the year of like who am I to do anything?
The things we would wish we could shake our past selves to recognize, right? Yeah so I had this really big flop and I'm still saying it like why? I had a couple people commit to it and I had a lot of people interested, but it was a very expensive program. And part of it is that it required me to do several things that if I didn't have a certain number of people, it wasn't really able to function in the way that I set it up. Live and learn, right? Like I recognize now I didn't have some of those things ready to be in place whether I had the number of people or not. And that's something I learned. So in the future when I set up another program, it will be a situation like okay well what if you only have two or three people? What does that look like then? I didn't have adjustments ready for that and now I recognize that was well you live and learn and I learned from that. I also learned this was a program that required like an application. It was going to be like a six-month like intensive like a cohort. I was really excited. I mean and now I'm going to do it again or I'm going to do it for the first time one time. So it was called the book edit collab and I know this is something that's in my future. But it's probably 2025 thing because this is something that I have to really kind of set up to for a long time to make sure that it's ready to go and make sure that it'll work sort of no matter how the launch or sales go of it, right? But I had unfortunately I think I tied too much self-worth to it.
And so although there were a few people who were super committed and they were so ready and they were like this is what I need. When I didn't get what I wanted out of it, I believed I failed. And I also told myself I couldn't try to make it happen. So I did like a little bit to try to see if there was a way to make it work. But in my heart I think I knew I wasn't I didn't feel right anymore. I didn't I was afraid to show up and and deliver really when it comes down to it. I was afraid to show up and deliver. In the meantime personally I am also I had gone a few months without some steady pay because I put a lot into this focus and then had sort of not put a lot focus into some other financial avenues. So I was also running on like oh shit I need money. And then I also got diagnosed with ADHD like right at this time.
So I had started to think around like December November December 2022 I was like hmm. So like my postpartum depression is mostly taken care of. My anxiety is not there anymore. I'm feeling better overall. Like why am I so untethered? And it was really overwhelming me. I was like mentally I felt more I felt more stable and yet I was I guess emotionally I felt more stable. But mentally completely untethered. I was like I don't understand why I can't concentrate. Why I can't sit and do things. Why is it so everything's so big and so difficult. I'm literally forgetting things all the time. I it would you know take my father to daycare three or four days out of the week. So almost every single day one days when my husband's not. I would have the same three things to take to daycare every day. And without fail I would forget one of them. And I was like I you know sometimes I'm forgetful. I'm the type of person who I'll forget something important like I'll forget my keys. But if you ask me where is that paper clip that you used two weeks ago I'd be like oh it's right there in that drawer and it's sitting on top of this. Like so for a while I didn't think there was any chance I could have ADHD. I didn't know time blindness was a thing. If I had known that literally any point in my life I would have been like maybe I have ADHD. Because your girl procrastinates the crap out of everything and is definitely time blind. Like time I sometimes it just I have tried everything to be on time and I'm still usually not. Like any appointment any event or I'm like super early because I had to overcome and say and then I don't like sitting like I don't mind sitting and just like doing nothing. I don't even need to be on my phone. For some reason I don't like having time that's not being used. I feel it's also like this millennial productivity thing. So I feel like every minute of every day has to be productive.
So I had a lot of mind shifts like things to go through. I had so what I had my kid in 2020. So I was also he was becoming a toddler and so a lot of things with toddlerhood were like cropping up. I'm like wait everything you teach this kid everything you show him everything you model will actually have a consequence good or bad. There's no like oh we're just keeping this thing alive it's fine. It's like no this kid is watching you all the time. And I started being like I don't am I doing what I want to be doing. So I started questioning how I was not just how I was mothering but like how I was. I started questioning how do I even teach my child how to make decisions. I literally spent last year looking up how do you make decisions because a lot of things from my past and as a child were coming up and I was like wait why do I feel like I'm trying to read mother myself and my child at the same time. Like I was trying to tell myself my like the decisions I made in life were okay. And then I was like were they did I make the best decisions for me. How do you how do you know. So I literally look up how do you know how to make a decision. So at least like it's good because right I'm breaking things down in a way that okay well how will I translate this to a toddler. How will I help my child grow. But also like what am I showing an example of.
And it just like y'all it was a mind fuck of a year. I didn't did not think toddlerhood would be what broke me but it fucking was. It was toddlerhood. It's absolutely the most fascinating thing I've ever experienced in my life. Anyway here I am a year later. I found out how I have ADHD. It makes so much sense. Now why I have trichotillomania. So trichotillomania is when you pull your hair and it's like anxiety. It's a it's not exactly OCD but it's sort of in that vein. I've you know dealt with depression anxiety. I have dermatillomania which is like also like skin picking. So now it's like a lot of people have that. Some people have both. I happen to have both. I also crack my knuckles like freaking crazy and I used to do it as a kid. Like nonstop couldn't stop. And then I stopped. But it came back within two the past two years. And it's like I literally it is nonstop. And then I have oh and the nail biting which kind of goes along with the trick and the skin picking is just like constant biting your nails. It's fine. I've learned to accept that this is part of me and I'm just like adjusting to that. It's been a lot. It's not been it's been a lot.
So anyway here I am. This my brain is just like lots of like moments of like oh my god oh my god. So that's been my year. It's been a lot of that. But you know what's been beautiful too. So what have I discovered after a whole year of let's say a very consistent and repetitive work mental like you know I've had therapy I've worked with a couple different business type coaches. I have a money coach right now because that was kind of where everything manifested. So like the physical manifestation of all of the mental shit showed up through money. It showed up through a lack of money showed up through overspending without recognizing that was happening and it was all my business. So it was like this this part of me that I saw my business as me and when I was struggling and I was dealing myself out my business is what took the biggest hit because it was just in my head the business is me the business is me. So when I'm not right my business isn't right. That is a future thing that I'm still going to work on and realizing like yes I my business is a lot of me. It's not only me that is a future thing.
Right now I was getting myself back to I have been doing this for over 10 years over 10 years. Started my business in 2012. I was 23 years old. All right I'm 34 now. I'm a different person in so many ways. I've changed so much and yet I have felt the most unsure of myself ever. 34 years old and I'm like I don't know who I am. I'm raising a child. Don't know who I am. Don't know what I'm doing with my life even though I've been helping authors for 10 years. I literally had authors this year. One of the authors I worked with in RevPit for 2021. I don't remember maybe it was 2019. Yeah anyway maybe it's 2020. She literally so we worked on a book together for RevPit. She got her agent with that book and then she got a deal with a different book. So her deal came with her next book that she was working on and then she got a two book deal. Y'all that just came out in October. Came out on Halloween. It's in fucking Target. It's The Rosewood Hunt by Mackenzie Reed. It's YA now though. It's in Target. So an author I worked with who got an agent has a book in Target and yet I still am questioning if I'm on the right track of what I'm doing with my life. Am I helping? Am I even helping? This is I see this as a reminder that if you're in a place where you're providing services for someone I bet you are helping more than you know. And sometimes you need to pull yourself out of the situation. Be like it's not about me. But I was making it feel like everything was about me instead of being like what am I providing for my clients? How am I helping them?
I'm being very honest with you on this. My money coach just called me up the other day on this and it hit the truth bone real hard because it was like you're right. I keep thinking I need to do something different and I convince myself it's for my clients. But honestly what it really is is it's for me feeling better about myself.
Okay light bulb let's reel it back. Recognize one I am enough. Two I've got I've got over 10 years on this. I have been doing this non-stop for a long time through so many changes. I've had a child went through the pandemic pregnant with that child. Had the child when COVID was you know at its height and Thanksgiving. And now I'm raising a kid. I could just go on and so many things you know we've just there are a lot of personal things and a lot of business things. So anyway here's one lesson I learned. ADHD is beautiful. Yep I finally got there. If you are neurodiverse or you recently found out because I feel like a lot of people have recently found out that they have ADHD or they're slightly on the spectrum or they deal with some things that they never knew or something because they've been what they call it masking where you've been kind of going through your whole life masking that you have this thing you're dealing with. And to me that word always felt weird because I was like well I wasn't intentionally doing that like I didn't know. But when it comes down to it you know I had figured out ways to get by. And so sometimes you question like am I really have I always had ADHD? So there is that part of me that was like is that just now? But then you learn more and you're like this is fascinating. Of course I'm a mess. I've been doing this my whole life. It's just now I have a kid and a business that runs a little different because I have a kid. And so the certain things just weren't able to continue as is. So a lot of my tricks or ways I was able to get by or just like ways I was able to like just barely get by they just wouldn't work anymore because they couldn't. ADHD is beautiful. If you are neurodiverse you're beautiful. If you're not you're also beautiful. Like you're awesome. If you do think you might have ADHD just go find out. Do the process. Get checked. I'm really glad I did because you know I went through a period where when I first found out I was super like oh thank gosh there's a name for it. Like is this what's been wrong my whole life? Because it's one of those things where I'm like yeah I have depression. I have anxiety. Like why does it still feel like something is wrong? Like why do I still feel like I can't figure out what's going on? And so it did give me that sense of oh my god is this the answer to everything that I've had a hard time with my entire freaking life? And so that part was awesome. And then there's the part that's like you go through didn't you like I didn't go through denial. Well I guess like questioning. Did I really do I really have it? I mean I got through this long 34 years. I mean do I really have it? And then you go through the I can't think of the right word but the sadness. Like man if this was here the whole time I wish someone would have noticed it sooner. And maybe my life wouldn't be that hard at least at this point. But I sort of have that like I don't know if everything happens for a reason but I do believe there's something to be gained from everything. And things happen when they need to happen and when they're supposed to happen.
And so in this case I have to tell myself okay but would you have gained as much from learning it now as you did? Like if you had learned before would it have helped you that much? Then probably not. I think the stakes were lower then. Now I have a kid and I am more determined than ever to get this business to be like not just getting me by to make a living but to like have a fucking business you know. Like I want to employ other people. I want to be donating to charities like massively. I want to be able to buy a house. I want to be able to give my son you know I want to pay for his college all the way. Like so many things you know. So there's the honest to God truth is if I had learned sooner it might not have made a difference or it might just not have done enough for me. Now I'm in the place where I'm like holy cow this has opened up so many windows and doors and I can do something about it and I'm determined as all fuck. I don't think that's the phrase but we're doing it. Anyway once you find out if you do end up ever finding out the situation especially as a female get a therapist or business coach or author coach or anyone who understands it. Because one of the best things ever was once I got my business coach. She's my business money coach right. She also is neurodiverse and it has helped me so much. She's helped me unlock so many things to be like oh no that's your ADHD. Oh that's your rejection sensitivity dysmorphia. I think that's what it's called. That's your pathological demand avoidance. I was like no that's not something I have. Yeah guess it is. So she's not necessarily diagnosing me but she's saying these are the things that show up sometimes and from outside perspective of someone who's very familiar with it she's able to help me through it in a way that translates directly to being a better business better businesswoman. And then therapy is obviously great. Get therapy and then they can give you real diagnoses and also give you medicine. I will say Adderall has definitely made a difference in my life and so do antidepressants. So one of the things that's been really good about finding this out too is recognizing where I can lean in. So I'm not shaming myself for having ADHD. Why would I? It's just it's how my brain works. It has made things very enlightening. It makes sense why sometimes my husband and I get in the fights we do because his brain literally does not work the same way or even close to the same way mine does. And I'm also a pretty emotional person which again ADHD but also like I'm a cancer. So I'm just emotional but that's been fine. That's been good whatever because it's the part of who I am and now it's breaking some things down and being like okay well what is this telling you about yourself or what is your brain trying to do right now to protect you because that's what our brains are always trying to do is protect us.
And the other thing is to recognize like there are things that are really good about ADHD like the hyper focus. So where can I set myself up to lean into that at times? I recognize that it would be it was hard because work was tied to a very certain number of hours because I would take my kid to daycare and I'd have pick him up from daycare and then I'd have to be on and then I'd have to I'd be tapped my energy would be completely zapped by the end of the day. But when I before my child I was able to just work whenever. So sometimes I would fuck around all day but then I would work until 2 a.m. And it was fine because they're you know my husband didn't love it but he understood we were younger we were in our 20s. And also I was able to just like tap into hyper focus and I could sit in one spot for like six hours which is physically not great. Like not move because I'm so tuned in on what I'm working. So it made it so I could always do big chunks of developmental edits and things like that or get really deep into certain things that need just like a lot of extra time and tasks and stuff. But once I had a kid I couldn't do that and I didn't realize how much it was feeling like I could never like 110% like disappear into something because I was so I always knew it would come to an end and I would have to stop at some point. And that would be really hard for me. So now I'm able to recognize and be like okay well what can I build for myself or set up around. So that means some days my husband's on duty I take a different car and I might go to the office on you know Monday at 10 a.m. and be there until 11 p.m. because that's how my body and like my brain it really wants that time to just like disappear and be nothing but just a brain that is going through stuff. So once you kind of have a better understanding sometimes of things like that or the way you work then it's a matter of how do you set that up in your life. So this can apply to anything right.
So here I'm actually finally giving you a tip if you are a writer and you found like you know some things really work better for me. Like for example I just will write better at a coffee shop. Well either you figure out how do you get to the coffee shop and spend all day there or however long or what can you do to set up something like that. So for example there's a website I don't know if you guys know this there's a website that streams coffee sounds the sounds of coffee shop it's called coffee-tivity. They literally have different streams of just like as if you are in a coffee shop. They have like the lunch rush the morning rush they have like you hear all the people chattering and stuff. You can play that and simultaneously you could even play your own music you can feel like you're at a coffee shop. So it could like make that happen for yourself. So figure out what are some things that work really well for you. If I tell myself that I'm gonna sit and write you better believe that's never gonna happen. I'm actually like oh hey I'll tell me hey I'm gonna go write in the room for 30 minutes you know like I'm just gonna so just like don't bother me. Yeah that does not work because the moment I say it I actually don't do it. There's some my brain is like are you sure that's what you want to do and so I'll sit there for 30 minutes and not do it. I'll probably actually what I'll probably do is pull my hair for 30 minutes or some shit.
I realize another thing that works for me especially now it makes sense with ADHD is that and it makes sense this is another thing about the trick and all this recognizing wow this is all probably related is I pull my hair. So I found a few things that work for me. I found that if I shave the side of my hair I'm less likely to pull because I can't reach it as much but if it gets to a certain spot it's almost close I might start doing it again. The moment I do it again I just have to shave it. This is not how I want to wear my hair all the time. I do not want shave sides but I'd rather not pull my hair and have bald spots that take forever to grow and like this I've it's been taking a long time because the hair doesn't grow back the same. Fun fact. And then the other thing though is like recognizing that it's a part of me wanting to always be in motion. That is a huge part of my brain actually processing things better when I'm physically in motion. So I listen to my clients books a lot of times with my app. My favorite app is Speechify. Actually if you go to katiemacoach.com slash speechify I have a referral code for you. So it'll give you I'm not going to quote how much it'll give you off because I could be wrong but it'll give you free trial and I think like 40 to 60 bucks off a yearly membership. And the membership is totally worth it because the AI voices that sound so much better. I think they even have a situation where you can record yourself and you can start hearing your own voice back. You can also listen to Snoop Dogg or a voice that sounds like Obama or Gwyneth Paltrow I think. So you can there are these really good voices in different languages and accents. And I love listening to my clients manuscripts with it because it allows me to do other things that are mindless but physically moving. So a lot of times I'll color. That's one of my favorite things to do while I listen to things. I soak in more when I'm moving my body. I try not to pull my hair obviously. I will take walks you know go on a walk or walk the treadmill. I will do laundry. I will do dishes. I will do things that are physically keeping me moving and I am much more invested than if I were just reading the screen. So this is and this is great too because then I can always just like pause it and be like oh let me jot down a note or whatever write a note on my computer wherever I'm making notes which is everywhere.
That's one thing that will be a work in progress. I get notes in too many places. I heard a really good tip from a productivity person one time and she was like put all your notes everything in one place one app just use one system. That is a huge game changer and the times I've done it it's very helpful but it's still work in progress. But I want you to have that tip. Oh and then the other thing that I realized is so writing I don't like to write and sit still. My brain is not it doesn't come to me as much. I have to think I'm doing something. It's like I have to trick my mind. Katie you're not writing right now you're doing something else. So one of the things I'll do is I will literally just stand and walk around my kitchen. I'll just like kind of leaning in together and then I'll kind of move around. I'll like shift I'll like walk around the house. The whole time I am actually writing on my phone. I did not realize I was doing this for months. I didn't realize I've been writing for months journaling writing content all this stuff on my phone because I had told myself I'm just like kind of wandering around I'm just doing around I'm just doing something. Oh my god I have probably almost a book written of not like a fiction one but I have so much stuff that I've written and it's so fascinating that I thought that doesn't count it 100% counts. However you are writing you are writing. So if you're someone who like oh and I voice memo myself you know so I'll record myself talking still counts guys.
That's my big advice is one of my pieces of advice. Lean in to whatever works for your system for your brain for your productivity your well-being and your happiness. I'm feeling so much better that I've been leaning into things that are just me and that it doesn't it's might not be how anyone else does it. Who cares if it works for me that is all that matters. Let's see what else I've learned. Change takes repetition. Oh right. Ew. How much do we not want to hear that? But it's true. My two things that I really learned this year are these are my my mantras almost. The first one is if you want things to be different you have to do different. I really sort of hate that but it's so true. It's so true. If you keep doing the same thing over and over and then you're wondering why am I in this position or why am I not reaching my goals? Well if you want things to be different you have to do different. If you're not reaching your goals based on what you're doing now well then what you're doing is not working. It's not the steps that are going to get you to your goals. So you got to do different. I know there are different versions of that but that's the that's the phrase that works for me. If you want things to be different you have to do different. And then the other is that change takes repetition. In theory we know like change isn't fast and stuff but what happens is like our brains will recognize certain things and be like I'm changing. I see my brain doing different things. I know that it's getting better. And it gets really frustrating when you realize it's taking longer. You're like I know this why am I still in this place?
So for a lot of this year I've been working with my money coach and so you know we finally got to the point where it's no longer like it's clear what's happening. It's clear what my brain's doing. It's clear why I'm struggling and yet it's still it's still happening. And I was so frustrated because I was like well I didn't I get it. I unlocked the understanding and it's like that doesn't matter. You have to build a new process and that takes repetitive work. And finally here I am towards the end of the year. It is end of year and I'm feeling like oh my god the work that I've done it has felt so slow. It has felt like I've moved backwards so many times and finally I recognize wow that made a difference. Those little pieces of repetition made a huge huge difference. I love it and I hate it. So if you're someone who's like but I've been trying to change the question is are you repeating the processes? Processes? I don't know. Over and over again are you constantly doing the work even when it certainly feels like it's not working. And now of course that almost like sounds like it goes against what I said. If you want things to be different you're gonna do different. I think the key is that you have to understand what needs to be different and then do that and keep doing it over and over until you actually can say oh I see the actual results or I have actual data to show what that did. So I'm finally seeing like true change in my brain and in literally how it's manifesting like physical ways that it's doing stuff. And it's nowhere near good yet. Like it's it's like a fraction of what it needs to be but that's okay because it's a work in progress and I see the progress. And where I was was like I don't know visually like a fucking iceberg deep deep deep deep deep in the under the surface that is like just trying to I don't know I don't know what an iceberg would try to do. Melt. And it was so deep and you couldn't even tell anything was being done like it was being chipped away at or something. You couldn't even tell that anything was happening.
And then after so so long finally it was like oh I think I chipped away at enough. I'm gonna start floating away now. You're gonna be able to start to see me go on journeys now. I'm gonna physically move now. Or another way I thought about it months ago and I really liked was this idea of almost like I was I felt like I was like Aston Stone like Medusa came and I was petrified into stone. And I felt that for a long time it was like I was being chipped away at very very tiny tiny tiny tiny because it was clear that if as if I was chiseled out too hard or you took like a nail and try to break through the layers to get to me you would just shatter me like I would just have crumbled into gazillion pieces. I was fully stone but instead it was like tiny tiny tiny little bits a little dusting teeny little chiseling and you were starting to see wait there's there's actually human under there and they're they're not just only layers of stone. Wait there's a human almost in a cast petrified cast so there is a fleshy human under there. We just need to get through the layers so you can see teeny pieces and you're like okay wait there's we might be able to recover this. And so it was getting more and more and then it felt like and I guess I almost think I'm almost there.
I noticed a few months ago the work was starting to compound. I was starting to really feel it and I was like oh there's gonna be a point soon where it's like the person underneath me underneath will be able to just sort of shake everything out and all of it all the stone will just fall away. But you had to keep working and soon you could start breaking a little more but if you had gone too hard too soon it would have just been layers of stone. There would have been no fleshy person underneath. So that's how I felt like I think I'm in my shaking phase like okay I'm just gonna do a little shake and it's all just gonna fall away and I'm free again. So change takes repetition and but also if you want to do different if you want things to be different you gotta do different.
This kind of goes along with these another thing I learned is like plans it's good to make plans. Things they usually don't go the way you plan right. And sometimes I think people think well then I should just not make plans. But I'm gonna argue that for someone especially who made a lot of plans and they all collapsed I think plans are really good because when they change you can see why. You're not really gonna be able to understand why or you can't you have to make plans that they what's the saying right like life is what happens while you're making plans or something like that. And it's true because I do think that as you make plans you get it makes you clear this is what I want to do this is who I want to be. And when they change it's not like oh what you were trying to do or be it was wrong it's hey it's not right now or it needs something else before it can be that. And so that's what I've recognized there are goals I have like the book edit club I talked about that is something I really want to do. But right now there are other things that need to happen first. So plans are good and when they change just figure out why and learn from it because it's telling you something.
This one I think is something a lot of moms deal with at some point is recognizing that putting myself first actually does make me a better mom and it makes me a better person a better role model because I can show my kid what it looks like to be yourself and also be a mom and a wife and a friend and a business owner. But when I gave up lots of things that made up me me over the past couple years to make more room for being a mom I've I lost sight of myself I lost sight of who I was. And a lot of people think oh you become a mom and you lose you know you're only a mom that's all you see it's all you are. I would say what happened was it wasn't that I lost myself to being a mom so that I only became mom it's that everything about me I didn't prioritize holding on to and so when that came down to this thing or something for your child or is this what's more important this or the child it always went to my child I would sacrifice anything for him right would give up anything for my kid. And so when the question when I presented that question myself with so many things in my life that soon I had actually given up everything for him and it wasn't that I lost myself as into being a mom that it was all I was it was that it was all that was left. So there's all this empty space of what wasn't there anymore it didn't get filled with being a mom it just is empty space and mom's space exists. And so that is something where I'm working on refilling that space to be like hey I'm not just a mom these things are important sometimes these things are going to are going to be prioritized over the mom stuff and that's what's going to make me the best I can be actually because I need to be me too right. I am my own individual I honor that my child is an individual he is not an extension of me he is himself he's going to exist in this world as him I can influence and help him and guide him but he is him and I am me and it's important we honor that in ourselves.
So I got to show him what that looks like right. So don't make everything a sacrifice is it my kid or me because sometimes that's not even the question that's being presented. So sometimes I would be like daycare costs money do I get rid of do I stop getting my nails done so my kid can go to daycare. I was like well yeah when you put it that way of course I give up my nails for my kid. Of course I give up getting my hair done for my kid. Of course I'd give up my gym membership for my kid. So when I phrase it that way it's kind of like well of course well then I had nothing. That was it might seem small like getting my nails done getting my hair done working out but these are things that are something I freaking love. So when I started getting rid of all these things I loved and like were important to me and made me feel me I started not feeling like me. So I put I put the wrong question in front of myself. It was never this or this you know this or take your kid or give to kid. It's what are the things that you need to hold on to what are the things you need to be the best mom and if there are other things happening where can we you know deal with that. But what can we do to make sure you can be you and be mom. This applies to any parent but I just I know moms really feel this a lot. Hope that helps.
This one's kind of funny. Allow yourself to be called out. I think as people I think as people we are so desperate to preserve our self or preserve like what we believe to be true about ourselves even even when it's not you know we're preserving the wrong thing like I was preserving the sense of I'm not worthy of being a book editor or coach. And I mean that was just a total lie. But sometimes we we work so hard to preserve these things these lies. Sometimes you need to be called out. And I think that it's important to surround yourself with people who when it's the right time they will call you out and that you are willing to say you know what the fact that you are is a big deal. That means it's something I need to see. If I dismiss it then there well I'm not even bothering to grow. And you can make the decision is this something that needs to be called out or no. When you get really honest with yourself maybe it is right. So at some point this year I had a friend who was like you know I know your life is so busy but like you have been kind of absent in this relationship. And I was like yeah you're right. I don't want to be but I have noticed it too. I know that I am not putting what I know I'm capable of putting in this relationship. And it could be like yeah my life is really overwhelming. You know what having that relationship helps make it feel a little less overwhelming. So putting a little more into it even if all I could do is like one percent more at that point it was necessary. And that's when you have to say is this something that's worth it or not. 100 percent it was. When my money coach called me out the other day and she was like I would not have said this to you before but we're going to go there and I'm going to say something that I'm very curious to see how to feel. She said this thing and I was like yeah you're right. Like no not something I want to hear but it was something that was like whoa okay yeah I needed to be called out. You know so there are things where it's important and you have to trust that look at who's saying something to you look at the frame they're doing it from. Are they really is this in your best interest to understand it here? Is it because they want you to be the best you can be? And if that's where it's coming from then it's 100 worth listening to. So let yourself be called out sometimes.
It's same with like um social media. You might be someone who posts something that might be a little divisive and that's fine. If you get called out listen and say hey is this actually something that's valid I'm called out for and what can it teach me? And it could be a huge game changer. You can grow so much. Get true with your inner goals.
So stop hiding from your truth. This one's like no one wants to hear it. Like we do we think oh I'm honest with myself but when it comes down to it have you convinced yourself that that thing you want deep deep deep down is like ridiculous or not possible? Have you convinced yourself that you should not really think about that or maybe one day you'll think about it and trying to deal with our pursuit right now is just why would you bother? Yeah I definitely have those things. I think I am personally have to work through more of that. So I can't even go into that one that much but I just if you are able to stop hiding from your truth say it out loud write it down do what you need to do to be like this is actually what I really want and once you can really get honest with that and allow it that's awesome that you want that. That's cool if that's what you want then and that's it that's all there is to it. That's what you want that's what we can figure out how to pursue. So as I've been getting clear on who I am what I want in life I'm starting to see these things like okay well deep down I've really wanted you know xyz for a long time why don't I just make small steps to pursue that.
This last one is have a support group of some kind people group community. So I have a few things this year so I had a therapist I had I tried a business coach she was useful but it I needed something else so she was more of like helping with accountability but I needed like to do the deep work and figure out my shit and so I ended up finding this money coach and she's been the best ever. If you need a money coach a business coach just send me a note katymicoach at katymicoach on instagram or twitter and I will give you her name because she's freaking fabulous as fuck. And I worked with some other business people I took courses I follow different mentors I listen to podcasts I read books I have a women's mastermind so it's like less than 10 of us maybe eight of us women business owners and we meet a couple times a month and we have a slack group and that has been really helpful is having people who even if they're not the same industry they're just doing things and the amount of things that we work through um we're all kind of dealing with similar stuff is like very fascinating how we kind of deal with similar problems a lot of self-doubt things about showing up that's always something that's really hard and so that has been amazing. I also am in a book club but it's a business book club it's like self-help business and so each month we read a book that helps with business mindset that has been really really great for me. I we've read you're baddest at making money the subtle art of not giving a fuck I'm currently reading the body keeps the score this personally one I've been wanting to read and it's been oh everything is figureoutable by marie forleo it's been really good because we not only read the books but then we talk about them story brand by donnell miller that one was a good one yeah so find your community of people I think this is really important every time I've talked to any author who's really felt good and successful I swear it's always they're always like oh my community my people my critique partners um so find your people find your group find people who understand what you're going through you know I provide that as much as I can for my clients where hey I'm someone who's in your corner I understand I understand everything for the most part but what I cannot really 100 provide is to be someone who's also doing it too so it is really useful to find other writers who are also doing the same thing and trying to pursue the same thing because you guys can say wow we're all in this together like uh we were going through it and so it's it really can help so much and those relationships are just beautiful things because they're just so pure and it's just people trying to help each other and you might get help or you might help or you might help someone else and either way it's so good so those have been some things that have helped me this year and I highly encourage you to find your people and how do you find them
I had a couple friends and then they had friends I met some people in some programs I took so uh I took some different like you know online programs and courses and so there are a few people who were in those things and then I was like hey who wants to you know help and join the mastermind it's you know we have a free master ranch it's a free group um so you know you just begin to build out your your circles go to conferences go to events join programs where there's community aspect do things that step you outside the box a little bit too that's always a tricky one but that's where I've done some of my best growth is when I've just agreed to do something before I've thought too much about it and you know what that's going to be
my last note is if you are struggling um in any way similar to how I've been this year or in other ways and if you especially feel like you're holding back from doing things what if you just did the thing before you could think about it that's something that even what I'm doing right now is I have already convinced myself I'm just not even gonna send this to my podcast editor but what would be better is if I just did and I just was like I don't know this is a little messy this is all over the place what if what if I just do it anyway what if I just share it anyway and he might be like no fair or he might be like sure and he might trim it up a little make it a little less choppy but he might you know he might be able to be like yeah you know what it's just just freaking share it anyway and that's something that I think is really good for some of us is sometimes when I was really dealing with self-doubt I mean I've been dealing with it but I was trying to really like how do I get out of this and I literally looked up how do you believe in yourself again and this guy had a piece of advice he was like there's nothing that says you have to believe in yourself in order to take action and that helped me at least in my brain I didn't actually do the work until like now-ish um at this point of the year but it helped me be like okay so you're right I could just record this post it and that's it I don't have to feel like it's going to actually work or be helpful or be useful I can just post it anyway and then okay well I survived that so I could do it again and eventually eventually I'm going to believe in myself again eventually I'm not going to question it so sometimes you have to take action before you can like literally think about it and I've noticed actually with ADHD I
had this realization the other night which is probably like other people have probably been like duh but for me it finally clicked in uh if I haven't it's all about decisions for me and I've known that for a while but what I realized is I have to sometimes make decisions before I can contemplate my decisions it's tough when you have self-doubt you're like well I doubt my decisions but at some point I'm recognizing part of building up my confidence and trusting my instincts and who I am and what I need is making decisions faster and just being like okay it's okay if this is the wrong one I will learn and I will do different I will course correct but if I truly don't know which way to go I just have to pick one and part of managing my ADHD is learning how to makedecisions faster and moving forward with it without shame or guilt on the decision I make and it's just like hey if you're at a crossroads and you really don't know which one to pick and you you know maybe even do a quick like well how do I make the best decision and you ask yourself like okay is this right for me what do I need to know to make a better decision do I need to know anything um is putting this off gonna hurt me in any way so sometimes yeah the answer is often inaction is going to lead to something is that where you want it to go or would you rather take action see how it turns out and then do something about it and that's where I've I am now is recognizing that when I can't decide something I could stand in a trance and pull my hair or crack my knuckles or pick out my skin or do something for 30 minutes I could just be there in my head dissociating from making decisions but that's literally mean by not making decision I am making one and the moment I finally do make one I'm like okay kitty this is what you're gonna do even if it's like okay you're gonna go take a shower instead of try to eat food even if it's that small suddenly the weight is lifted like okay you made a decision who cares if it's exactly the right one in this moment you just made one and now you're moving forward instead of staying there in a trance for 44 40 minutes more you did something if you don't do anything something's gonna happen because of your inaction or you're gonna be forced into a situation that maybe you never wanted you
know if I if I sit there for 40 minutes and I'm like do I go take a shower or do I eat dinner well once 40 minutes goes by it might be the question might not be the same anymore it might be okay well it's too late for dinner and it's too late for a shower so now what you know so sometimes you just have to move forward just make a decision and then look at the data how did that turn out is that this decision you need to make again next time yes or no and keep moving forward
so make decisions faster and don't judge yourself for what you do just make them faster move forward and see how it turns out no judging involved no judging that is my big thing that I've learned this year do not judge my brain for how it works do not judge me for having these feelings and thoughts and stuff I am awesome the way I am I just need to I don't even need to do anything but if I want things to be different there are things I could do differently to get the outcomes that feel most aligned with me that is what I want for you my friend
okay I think I'm gonna leave you all with that until next time writers keep growing you.
