30: When Fear Strikes: Sit With Me as I Work Through Mental Shit

Season #3 February 22, 2024

"I should know better. I should do better. I should be better."

These words have rotated through my brain for the last 34 years. I'm only just now beginning to see what this self-talk can do to a person.

As a book coach, I help writers with their words and vision every day. As a mom, I help my son love himself and avoid this self-talk. And I've spent the last year working on doing this for myself.

But sometimes, the shit comes up again. We hit a dip. We enter a place of paralyzing fear.

That's where I was when I sat down and started recording this episode. I recorded it first for me. To help myself work through feelings of fear and failing that were cropping up. Feelings of self-doubt. But I'm sharing it today with you because I want to break down the barriers that keep us from revealing our doubts, our truths, our negative self-talk.

Let's call this an episode an insider's look, almost like you are with me on a personal therapy session with myself. Witness this writer, editor, mom, and coach work through some shit and maybe we'll both come out of this hour stronger, more positive, and with a new set of self-talk to take us further in our writing and publishing journeys'.

Episode Transcript

Welcome to the Writing with Coach McCoach Podcast. I'm your host, Katie McCoach, book coach, confidant, and cheerleader. Since 2012, I've helped hundreds of writers become authors, gain confidence, and grow their best stories yet. Together, we'll untangle the vines of chaos and uncertainty surrounding how to be a writer so you can grow into the author you are meant to be. Let's dig in, writer!

Welcome to another episode of Writing with Coach McCoach. Let's call this an episode where you get to witness while I work through some shit. It's almost like you could be part of my personal therapy session, except I'm just alone working through something. Sometimes it helps me work through things to know that it could help someone else. So that's sometimes why I'll share and record episodes while I'm doing, going through something because I think maybe there's a chance this could help someone else. Maybe seeing someone literally working through something would help.

Today's topic of issue is fear. It feels bigger than it probably is. A quick backstory is that we are currently in the beginning of 2024, but I have, for the past several years, but really the past year, I've been hit with debilitating self-doubt. I'm starting to recognize and realize where some of this comes from. I think there are many factors. I think the biggest is that I have spent most of my life in shame spirals. I have been beating myself up for not doing enough, not being, working hard enough for procrastinating, for being stressed because I procrastinated, for missing a deadline, for being the worst texter and not great at emailing back. I have had so many successes and so many beautiful moments, but I constantly put them down or make them less than because I feel that I should be operating different.

I should know better. I should do better. I should be better.

We all know that shitting on yourself is not great. It's like one of the first words to take out of your vocab. You go to therapy, like they nip that in the bud, but just not saying I should have hasn't really been the game changer for me. And so it's just kind of continued to pile on my whole life. And becoming your own boss and being an entrepreneur adds to that, being a writer, being a creative and trying to express yourself and hoping that your words matter because when it comes down to it, that's the truth.

My truth is that I want my words to matter. I want to help. I have this podcast because I want to help, but what's the layer of that? I want my words to help. I want what I have to say to help someone else. So I want my words to matter. Is that selfish? Maybe I think there's two layers. I think there's the layer of I know this could help someone. I wish someone could give this to me and it could help me. But I've seen how much people and information and books and courses and mentors and everything, I've seen how much they've helped me. So if I have something that could help someone, that's all I want. And then there's a layer of I want my words to fucking matter.

I recently emailed my newsletter list and I wrote this truth, I spoke it out loud and now I'm trying to get comfortable saying it. My dream is for my words to matter. I do feel that when you get really clear on your dreams, when you try to pursue big things, sometimes we think, oh, a bunch of shit will get in our way. And sometimes that's true. But I think what can happen really though is we tap into a truth. And when we do that, our body like awakens and it sort of is like, oh, we're in flow. We are owning this truth. But the other part of the body is like, no, we need to protect you. What are you doing? You put yourself out there trying to embrace a new energy, a new vibration, like what are you doing? This is not something we understand. We haven't been there before. So we need to protect you from it. And so anxiety and fears and doubt and all of that seeps in.

And so I think what's happening right now is I spoke that truth. I've been leaning into my truth a lot lately. My self-doubt has diminished in many ways. I can lean back on like, no, I know in my heart, I have worked this. I know I'm where I need to be. I know I have so much to give. And I know that leaning into it and loving myself through all stages, through all flaws, through everything, just having unconditional love for myself is the path to having everything that I desire and enjoying the journey of reaching it to not just thinking this thing will fix me, this thing will make me happier. It's I'm going to enjoy the journey of working for these things, of doing the next thing.

But then here again, the body is like, what? Why? We haven't been there before. I don't think you should do this. We don't know how it will turn out. I guess that's the fear. It's funny. I said that and I'm like, oh, hasn't that been the theme of my life? The sense of being terrified because I don't know how something will turn out. But then the other side of being so excited to see it unfold. That's kind of what life is, right? You never know how things will turn out.

So I think some people believe, and I think I have before, well, what good is it trying to make something happen if who knows how things will go? Life will take its own terms. Planning for something to happen, it's just going to backfire. The saying, life happens while you're busy making plans or something like that. So I think I'm working through shifting that and saying, I can create the reality I want. When I get clear on it, I can do it. And then looking back at data of points in my life when I've done that, when I've been really clear when I want something and I make it happen. I was really clear I wanted to run my own business. I made it happen. I've been struggling for the last year, couple years, last really year and change to move into a new stage of entrepreneurship. So a lot of doubt has creeped in.

I've also simultaneously been becoming a parent and that has absolutely, completely broken me and rebuild me. I'm in the process of being rebuilt. Parenthood is fascinating and it makes you revisit so many things about your childhood or how you came up, how you were raised, but not just how you were raised, but how is your inner child? You hear that phrase and stuff, but when you become a parent and you start teaching your kid things, you're like, huh, what are the things I've been saying to myself or teaching myself? What am I about to impart on my child? Is there a different way to do it? Is there a way I could teach him something that he won't end up questioning his life like I do? He won't spiral in self-doubt and shame. What can I model for him?

Then when you start wondering what can I model for my kid, it's like, but do I know how to do that? You realize you are literally parenting your child and yourself at the same time. You are relearning how to grow up and how to protect yourself, but give yourself room to thrive because that's what we want for our kid. I want to protect him. I want to keep him safe, but I also, or and I guess I should say I want to give him safe and I want him to have room to thrive and walk through life being so completely him. I don't want him to meet anyone but himself. So how do you create an environment for that?

And then you realize, well, do I have that environment within? Have I created that environment for myself? The reality was I had not. If I'm in a shame spiral, where am I giving myself the freedom to be me? I'm not. I'm beating myself up for existing as I am. And that is not going to lead to breakthroughs. It's not going to lead to taking steps that could influence change or create change or create a new reality in my life. If I have things in my life that aren't the way I want them, I have to do different. But for so long I told myself because I had to do different, what I'm doing is not good enough. I'm not good enough as I am. And that is not the case.

We have to, we really have to love ourselves first. It's not easy. You think, of course I love myself, but then, then things change. You just begin to see different. Maybe you don't. Maybe I'm hoping that if you're listening to this, maybe you love yourself so much and I'm so happy for you. I think that if you deal with imposter syndrome or self-doubt, anxiety, depression, there is a layer of we might love ourselves, but do we accept ourselves? So when I look at my child, I have absolute unconditional love for this kid. I want to give him all of the tools to be who he needs to be. I want him to feel comfortable becoming that person. I want him to have self-love and there is no flaw or thing about him that will make me not give him the same amount of love. It is absolutely unconditional.

But is it that way towards myself? No, I put conditions on myself all the time. I'm not, I mean, we do it to ourselves with body image, right? I'm not enough. I'm not fit enough. I'm not healthy enough. I'm not smart enough. I'm not dedicated enough. I'm not disciplined enough. I'm not on top of my shit. I'm not proactive enough. I'm not a good enough mom. I'm not good enough, anything. The way we put it on us constantly and that's limiting how much we can love ourselves. At least that's been my experience.

So I noticed that as I've been getting, I'm really growing in this. I'm really having more compassion for myself. I've been working through that self-talk. I have been working on just loving me for the base of who I am and also honoring and loving the versions of me that came before that I used to beat up and the versions of me now. At one point in my journey last year of kind of working through this stuff, it took so much longer than I wanted. It was hard every time I'd have a setback because I'd be like, fuck, I'm getting better. And I'd be like, wow, I definitely am nowhere close. But what I didn't see and now I can look and see over a year of time, a little more than that, but really over a dedicated year, I see where the growth came, but it was slow. And so there were other things that looked like I was going backwards. Now I'm in a place of like, I'm ready to go forward, but some things that technically looked like I went backwards, I'm kind of having to like, not overcompensate for, but like try to rectify, but it's like they got so, I don't know, twirled up, like kind of like a whirlwind of like a tornado of just everything being kind of a mess. And then having to be like, okay, I have to like pull things out one at a time out of the tornado.

I'm like, okay, let me grab this thing. Let's rebuild that. While the rest of it's just swirling and it's just getting worse and more damaged. But for myself to have compassion, I have to do what I can one thing at a time in a way and slowly, hopefully pull everything out of the tornado and hope that it begins to dissipate. I have no idea if that works or not. So I'm doing this right now and so of course the dips are going to happen, the entering self-doubt spirals again and working through it. This is part of the process. I'm not fixed, I'm not fully healed. Like I don't, will we ever be? We're a work in progress, but I have come a far way.

So I think that's why it was hitting me really hard today that I noticed all my patterns. I saw everything happening. I saw all the ways that I'm trying to protect myself and keep myself from experiencing the next stage, the next step in growth is being like, okay, well if you want things to look like a way that they've never looked before, you have to become someone who's never been before. And I think I skipped over this. I was going to say that last year I did a really good thing where I was going through this and I hit a point where I was like, I am afraid to become the next version of me without loving the version I was. So I hit a point where I realized like, okay, I'm ready to tap into the next level. I'm ready. I want to enter it, but it felt like I was like telling my past self, like you were shit. You couldn't get there.

And so I had to take time and I actually like did a voice memo to myself where I just recorded myself just bawling, just crying so hard, just telling myself, I love you. You kept me strong. You kept me here. You made it so I could exist. You carried so many burdens. You held so much weight. Thank you. Thank you for being who I needed to survive all that. I'm going to honor you by tapping into the version that I'm ready to be the next growth. And it's not that I think that I need to in order to be loved and be better because I love you for everything you are and were. But now the best way I can honor you for you carrying all that burden is to show you I'm doing something with it. It was not for naught. It was not a mean. So fucking thank you and I love you.

And so I, I've done that a few times. I did that really big session just realizing that I was afraid I was continuing to tell her that version of me that she wasn't good enough. And I realized for me to really say I'm ready to become the version of me I know I want to be, I can be. I also need to say every other version of me has been perfect exactly as they were. They were perfectly flawed. They were perfect. They were loved, unconditionally loved. So let's honor them.

So I think that's why I'm sort of struggling today is because I see that I have to do it again. I have to continue this work like a lot of the shit in our life is when we think, oh, we're better. A lot of times it's the habits, the practice of different things. So you could be someone who writes, you've been writing for three months straight. You're like, I've been writing every single day and then you fall off for a few months and you beat yourself up. But I was doing it every day because it does take work. Because it becomes a habit, becomes ingrained in us. But it's just as easy to lose that if we don't recommit and remember like this is what we're doing. This was the thing that kept us on the path.

So I am in a place right now of a recommittal. Is that a word? Whatever. English language is awesome. Let's just make up words all the time. But I am recommitting to, hey, you're having some feelings. You are really scared right now. I am really scared right now. I was originally going to come on here and I was going to like go through and just like Google prompts and be like, let's work through your prompts together. Like what are you afraid of? What is it telling you? But as I started talking, obviously, that's a way that helps so much. I love talking out loud to help work through things. That's what I do with my clients. That's what I do. Sometimes I'll just do it with my husband. I'll be like, can you just sit here and be my audience while I tell you about a couple of things? Especially I'm trying to make a choice between one or two things. I mean, obviously between more than one thing. Sometimes I'll just be like, I'll list the things out. And then even in just me talking about it, I can tell where I want to go. So that's why I love voice memo. I love actually like recording notes to myself. I don't know.

I've started noticing. Okay. So my, my flags came up, my patterns, right? If you will. One of my patterns is that I'll make a decision on how I'm going to move forward with something. And then I'm really good at coming up with about a million other ideas that I suddenly must pursue. Like why am I not like that thing was really good. I was really totally aligned with it. I'm ready for it. What are these 20 other things coming up? And then I'll be like, they have to be done now. Obviously. I mean, why am I planning? Planning is for suckers, right? Move with the flow. In some ways that can be great, especially when you have the ability to hyper-focus and that's been a beautiful thing with my ADHD and recognizing, oh, I've done that over and over. I love hyper-focus times. I love getting like deep into things, but then I'll also have the inattentive. So I've got ADHD has two types. I've got both. So then it's the part of me, the other part of me, that's like, well, no, we have to, we have to try every other thing. You have to think of all the other ideas, some awesome ideas will come up and I'll be like, well, then I got to do that. And it'll distract me. And I have to pull myself back and say, hey, you know what's happening here. You're trying to create another thing. So you don't have to do the thing that you actually really want to do. You are coming up with things. And if you don't come up with things, then you essentially put out the message to the universe, the universe should come up with things. So universe go ahead and give my cat some cancer so I can take care of her and her three fucking surgeries and focus on that for the next three months. Okay. That happened.

You know what? I'm sick. Let's just catch that cold that you've been fighting. I mean, I've literally been so good at fighting stress and sickness and I have a toddler gal who goes to daycare. But I entered a place of fear and stuff. And so I am not surprised that I just got sick recently. And it took me out for a few days, because I always know it's when you try to do big things, sometimes that happens because your body is like, wait, how many times? I don't know if this happened to anyone else. Every time I'm like, I am working out, I am going to go hard. I can't wait to just like work out all the time, eat super healthy. I'm going to like get really fit. Literally a week after I do like two workouts, I get so sick. And luckily, that doesn't usually stop me completely, but it does sometimes make me go, well, what the fuck am I doing making plans? But really, I do believe it's my body being like, we are not ready for this. What are you doing? Who do you think you are trying to be a different version of you that you've never been before? I don't think that'll work. So we're going to try and make sure that it doesn't. And so it's like I invite this shit in. And I know, I know that it's not all about that. Obviously, like, you can't manifest your way out of sickness. And maybe you can, maybe you can. And if you can, awesome. And if I come back three years from now, and I'm like, you can fucking manifest the shit out of anything. That'll be awesome. I'll look back at this episode and be like, that is cool. I am glad I proved myself wrong.

But for now, I will just say I do notice that of course, when I get sick, I'm like, of course I got sick then. You hear it sometimes like when you don't rest, your body will force you to. So during this time when I've been sick, I've been kind of trying to use the opportunity to say, well, what, what am I not in congruent congruence with? What is kind of not working for me? What is not aligned? What am I not listening to? But what I wasn't doing is shutting down like all the ideas popping up. So I just let my brain go, okay, fine. Let's explore all these ideas. Sometimes I tapped into them and I was like, fine, let's just kind of go down the rabbit hole a little bit. Because whatever my brain wants to do it, I'm going to lean into it this time. Like instead of thinking that I'm doing something wrong, like, so what used to happen was my, I would start this pattern of, I decide something and then my brain goes, you know what? We could do all these other things instead. Let's do those. And I start doing them and I'm like, what the fuck? I'm in the middle of 2,500 things and everything is equal importance because that is one very clear thing that I love hate about ADHD. I know that's what it was like. It was ADHD, of course, but it was for thinking that everything is equally important. I don't know how to prioritize because unless there's deadlines where there's these other things that say, hey, this is a priority, but when it's just me choosing, it's very hard. And so then when I do choose, usually that's what a million other things crop up and I'm like, oh, right. Yeah. So I've taken, I've used to take that as, oh, if other ideas are coming up, that means I should be distracted from that thing I decided to do. That means that thing is wrong. That means I'm not going on the right path. Instead of recognizing, no, Katie, your body is trying to protect you. Your brain is trying to make sure that you are not doing things that are scary.

So it started happening, I've been doing it for a few weeks, coming up with all these things. I'm even like, talk to my business coach and she's like, Katie, you're doing what you do. And I'm like, I know, but this time it's different. And I really believed it, but it kept happening. Right. So I'm like, okay, fine, I'll move forward in this direction. I'll show you this time is different. And then like, I kept doing it. I kept coming up with even new things after that. And then I get on a mastermind with some of my friends and it was impromptu. I was like, I'm struggling. I'm trying to think of this idea. And they're like, wait, wait, is this the pattern? I'm like, yes, yes, it is. It is. But let's go with it. And then by the end, I'm like, oh, fuck. Okay. Okay. Okay.

So I'm like, I'm not sure for her desire to just distract herself from moving forward and getting afraid and uncomfortable because that's what's happening. Right, Katie, you are just protecting yourself. Your brain is just trying to keep you comfortable, but we're here in this place. You are literally recording this right now. Instead of just doing a voice by yourself, you are actually thinking we're going to put this on air because you know, each time you make the decision to push past and say, okay, this is scary. This is really scary. This is uncomfortable. Every time you accept it and process it and move forward, you are that much further into your growth. So every time you push through, every time you do something, even when you're uncomfortable, every time you let yourself feel something and process it and actually say, okay, that's okay. You know, honestly, that's beautiful, right? It's beautiful that your body, your brain wants to protect you. It's beautiful that you're moving into something else. It's beautiful that you're uncomfortable because that's where you grow. So every time that you embrace it, allow it to come and welcome it and say, okay, what are we working through this time? What are we going to accept as part of us and say, okay, you're right.

You know what? You're scared. That's okay. You know what? You're going to survive this. Whatever you do next, you're going to survive the discomfort. And then that is going to become data for you in the future to say, hey, by the way, we did that thing and we were fine. We did the next thing and we were fine. And I think that part of this is like also owning your own successes, accomplishments, and letting yourself feel them as like you own them, they're yours. I was talking to someone recently and she mentioned how she did this really amazing thing years ago. She spoke and did this. It was a huge, amazing event and it's a big deal. But she talks about herself who did it as if it was someone else who did it. And she's working on owning that and bringing it back into herself.

And I'm recognizing I'm working for the same thing, you know. In September 2022, I started this podcast. I have been somewhat inconsistent since then. So I think at the time I'm recording this, maybe this is episode 30, maybe. I don't know. I have 28, 27 episodes live. I've got a couple ready to go. Let's hope that while I'm recording this, I'm also hitting publish today on another one. So in two years, 29 episodes, right? And you can look at that and be like, it's not that much, Katie. You know what? Then you can look and say, you're fucking 29 episodes, Katie. You have published 29 episodes. So you were a brand new podcaster and never done it before. Actually for years refused. So that's the one medium you will never do. I literally had said, nope, I will do video. I'll do all the other things. I will never do podcast. I refused all interviews. I was like, I will never do podcast. And then I started one. So why am I not giving myself credit for that? Hey, you started it. Yes, you've been in a little inconsistent because you have gone through things. You have been afraid. You have had things that you've put in place that have stopped you or made you scared. But you did it anyway. You kept going. Even though you stopped sometimes, you came back. Even though you paid a producer and sometimes he did nothing that month because you were too scared to publish anything. You did come back. You did come back and you came back. And so every time I hit publish, I'm stepping into more discomfort, but I'm getting more comfortable stepping into it.

Katie's fear is clearly me recognizing that I did all the things right at all my patterns. I kind of like let them all run through and I just kind of watched, you know, like, okay, let's go down the path. Katie, you know your path. You're going to come up with an idea. You're going to move forward with the idea. You're going to come up with 25 other fucking million ideas because those are suddenly going to be very important and essential that you do in that exact moment. You're going to have things that are telling you suddenly, wait, you have deadlines. Wait, if you don't do this thing by this day, shit, wait, you need money. You kind of need to keep your kid in daycare or just fucking fed. You know, you guys kind of need some groceries. You kind of need to pay rent. And wouldn't it be nice if you could do more than just, you know, barely make those things happen? Oh, right. You actually have to like make moves. You have to step into discomfort of selling, of putting something out there. Again and again, like I see these things, right? I watch it. I reach out to my mastermind. I found myself, oh my God, after one call with him one day, I'm like, I'm going to do this. And then the next time being like, oh, I'm going to go in this path or I'm feeling much better. And then another day I literally watched myself yesterday start typing, oh, I'm going to, I'm think I'm going to sell a course about this. Oh my God, you guys. Yeah, I am going to sell a course about it's about when it comes down to it, I am going to build a course on self-doubt. You guys are listening to me work through it. I've been working through it.

There are so much that I want to teach other writers, especially female writers to be able to come through it too. Do I need to do it right now? That's the real question. When I have another course that is built, that is fucking powerful, that helps writers that is already there that I could make better if I'm worried that it's not where I want it to be. So yeah, there are things I can do. And also that I'm just not selling because I, I don't know, afraid I'm afraid. I don't know what I'm afraid of. The information is already exists. It's already there. It's already available to be watched. Someone could gain something from it. I'm not letting anyone know it exists. And so they don't know they could be making better characters in like four very simple ways, because I'm just afraid. Oh, hey, hey, oh, hey, hey.

Oh, to be a man who can just say, I'm just going to fucking show up and do anything. God, that sounds nice. I mean, we love you, but also so does, you know, all of the fucking world and everything is set up because the world fucking loves you. So you know, we're here in need sometimes just of a little love. No shade to men. I mean, a little shade thrown, but I feel like a fair amount of shade. Like you're still going to enjoy your life. Exactly. And hopefully us women can really, you know, get our footing in and you can allow us to or no, no, no, no, no, no. Fuck. I cannot believe I just said that. There is no you allowing us. It's us stepping in and owning it. And you saying, good for you.

I heard something that was a talk about imposter syndrome and how this honestly was just created to fuck women over. Because if you think about it, mostly it's women who deal with imposter syndrome in the workplace and we doubt ourselves. We think we're not good enough or that we're frauds for getting where we are when we usually have worked so fucking hard to get there. But we shame spiral or doubt ourselves or question everything. I mean, seriously. I mean, you can't win, right? Even as a mother, you experience this. It's you're damned if you do, you're damned if you don't. So it's constant. Everything's a contradiction for females, parents, anyone who is genderqueer. Good fucking luck, right?

So tangent, but if you're here for it, thank you. Anyway, but I did hear this thing, you know, imposter syndrome was sort of just created is because women started, you know, stepping into the workplace. And then we said, we deserve more pay. And then we started somewhat getting somewhat more equal pay. We started moving into power positions. And the system, the patriarchy was like, how do we keep this from happening? How do we stop women from having power, from having money? So you know, fuck that. Right? So it's kind of a fun reminder in my head when I think about imposter syndrome. I'm just like, you know what? That was just made to fuck us over just even more because we're fucking powerful. We are powerful women, beings. And even if you don't identify as being a woman, you are so fucking powerful. Anyway, we're all powerful and we are all worthy. And that is something that again, I am working through and I encourage you to work through it too.

And remember that you're so fucking worthy, which means that if we want to do things, be writers, reach goals, it's stepping into another place that we haven't been before. It's stepping into something else. If you want to write a book or, okay, if you want to publish a book, well, to become a published author, you have to get published. That's something you've never done before. So that's scary. I mean, if you're going through fear like me. So if I want to, if you've heard me, I've said my goal is to reach 10,000 writers by I think July of 2024. We are now in January 2024. So if I want to reach 10,000 writers, I need to be ready to step into my fucking role as someone who is willing to reach those people. That means becoming someone I've never been, which is someone who talks to 10,000 people. Well, it starts with every episode I publish, every email I send, anything that I can do to step in front of someone else. That means I have to continuously become someone I've never been before. I've never been someone who's talked to 10,000 writers.

So who is that person? I have to keep stepping into that. When you are struggling, just as I am showing you that I am, and you are trying to work through things like fear or self-doubt, I guess my takeaway and my end is this, is like really look at what have you, if you are at, first of all, if you find yourself continuously stalling, start really examining your patterns. So I found that my pattern is that I tend to put a million things in front of the thing I've decided on so that I can distract myself and convince myself that the other thing is not actually the right thing for me when in reality, it's just I'm too scared to do it. So once I start peeling that away, or in this case, I let myself explore those patterns, I said, fine, do your pattern, Katie, go through the process. Eventually this will get shorter. Eventually you will move through this process faster. But for now, go through the process, go through your doubt, go through your explore a million ideas. You'll find your way back and you'll go, okay, what it was all that doing? It was telling me that I was scared. It was my body telling me, we're not ready to step in to the person we've never been before because we don't know who she is and we don't know how it'll turn out for her. And we're fucking scared. We are scared of what that looks like because we've got no data for it.

So if you're in that place, you know, first just like ask yourself, like, be curious, like what's happening? What are my patterns? Start tracking them somehow if you need to. I luckily have my business coach, my mastermind and myself, um, where I, and I journal and I always spend my journal and stuff. So I've been really, um, it's been really good because I can see, oh, I'm, I can see it happening. And then I also, the great thing about the mastermind and things like that, when you have group settings as you can see it with other people. So, um, there might be others who I'm like, oh yeah, like I witnessed them this year do these things. Oh, so what are they witnessing about me? And if you don't know, ask them and say, Hey, I want you to be brutally honest. Like what are patterns I do? Luckily with my business coach, since it's focused on me and it's not focused on her and it's my time, it's my session. Um, I have someone there to mirror things back or tell me like what's going on. Um, when I'm ready to hear it, she will tell me when I'm not ready. You know, she does other things to help me get there. Therapy will do the same thing. I'm a safe coach. So think about like, what do you need?

What coach? I'll just have to say it, right? Cause I'm on a podcast. I am the coach. Um, but how can you kind of begin to notice these things for yourself? So then you can begin to start to, after you notice and you accept them and just own it and just say, oh, that's why I do that. Or that's how I am that way. That's okay. She's fine. Exactly. She is. So do we want things to be different? Okay, so where, where's the shift going to happen or what are the things? And then begin to say, so what is standing in my way? Um, is it fear? Is it something else? What am I afraid of? Um, where is it coming from? Where do I feel it in my body? Where's it showing up? How is it showing up? As you begin to ask these questions, the answers may or may not surprise you. And the first step is acknowledging it and seeing it. And then the next is beginning to say, okay, well, if I want it to look different, what does that path look like? Or how can I honor myself the way I am now, but begin to move myself into a new stage each time that I go through this.

In my case, I'm building a process. Literally with my book coach, we are building like a roadmap, like, okay, Katie, you're going to veer off and you're going to go to this whole and misery self-doubt place. You're going to feel these sensations of just, oh, just like so much discomfort, just like a pit in my stomach. Like, I'm going to just, oh, I just feel it in my body just like this. I don't know, just like this gut punch cringe. Like I just want to burrow into myself. And then I begin to like, okay, embrace some things, accept myself again, give a little better talk to myself and say, okay, well, you felt it. You moved through it. You're not going to stay in that feeling forever. And as you begin to move through it, what's next step? What's your roadmap for getting through these things and finding your way back into a place that you're like, okay, I can move forward from now. And also look at all the data I have, all the times I've done it before that I can say, I've proven I will move forward because I have. And literally, even if I don't feel like it, I am because life fucking moves forward.

Okay. I'm going to read through some things that some people in my mastermind have said that maybe it'll help too, because they're just fabulous people. So one of them said, okay, well, where is it coming from? Is it valid or is it just trying to protect me? What is stopping you? I mean, sometimes it's literally, what are you afraid of? But when that feels too big of a question, it's where are you beating yourself up? What are you stopping yourself from doing? What are you creating in order to stop yourself or what external factors have been stopping you? Is there a reason outside of your own self where it's, you're not doing something or you're not working or you're feeling this fear? Is it something out of your control or is it fully in your control? And if there are, or if it's a combo, what pieces of it being in control are you telling yourself is out of your control when it's not? What is the smallest possible thing you could do right now to move forward? How can you tell yourself, what do you need to tell yourself? What would you tell your friend?

Here's a great one. What would you tell your friend or your child who's going through this? What would you tell them to move forward? You know what? Usually what I would say is, it's okay. I get it. You are amazing exactly as you are. If my son came to me and said, so fucking scared to do this mom, and hopefully he's not cursing yet, but you know, he's three and he's repeating everything. So he probably would. He would say, I'm really fucking scared to do this. And I would say, oh baby, I hear you. I totally get it. It's okay. It's okay that you're scared. It doesn't really have to mean anything, but if you want to put meaning on it, it means you care and caring about something is scary, but it's also exciting. The sensations for being afraid can actually mimic the sensations of being excited. When you are, your heart's pounding, your heart's racing, you're, you know, maybe you're kind of like, I don't know, shaking. Maybe you're just like jittery and stuff like that could be fear, but that could also be like you so freaking excited to do something.

You know, if you are someone who likes roller coasters, there's sometimes that feeling of like, I'm about to get on the scariest thing. I'm so excited. I'm about to get on the scariest thing. Like you can be terrified and so fucking excited at the same time. Scared sighted is what a lot of people say. And sometimes just remembering these sensations, actually, it might feel like fear, but what if you just told yourself, oh, it's just excited. I'm literally everything I'm feeling is the same thing I feel when I'm excited. I'm actually just excited. Some people can hack their brain like that. I'm working on it. We'll get there. Like I said, I'm building the path so that I can get there and I'll get there sooner. Every time I work through this, it'll be easier and faster. And then another one that's helped a lot of people.

This one's really interesting is when you're really afraid of something is actually building a plan and saying, okay, what is the worst that can happen? What is the worst case scenario? And actually being really clear about it, actually, what's the worst that could happen? And saying, okay, well, if that happened, how would I handle it? If the worst case possible of this outcome happened, what would I do? What are the steps I would take when it happens, if it happened? And I know that there's a part of some folks who are like, well, that's just me inviting it to happen.

No, it's not. It's you creating a path for your brain to say, okay, well, if it does happen, you know your way out. So worst case scenario, you will find your way through. You know your way out. You've built a plan. So for example, say you, I don't know, say you're the worst case is you lose your job or something. Okay. So the worst case scenario, you lose your job, you have no income. What do you do? If I was in the worst case scenario and I didn't have any income, I lost my job and we needed money immediately. The first thing I would do is go get any job. I would try to work anywhere. I would go to any fast food place. I'd go to any retail store. I would anything. So I would go get a job. I would go file for unemployment if I have the ability to. Being an entrepreneur is super fun and that that's not really an option yet. Unless you pay into it, all that stuff. I would contact my family and I would say, we're going to come live with you. You got room? We're going to live with you for a little while. I would move out of my place. I would sell my car.

Like you begin to say, okay, well, oh, I actually do have a path. So if that happened, I do know what the steps I would take would be. And actually that means that there's no like the worst case scenario is still a scenario in which I will find my way out because when it comes down to it, you won't have a choice. So build your path, look through the worst case scenario, plan out. Okay. If that happened, what would I do? So you know that you will be okay. You know that you have a plan no matter what. And then you also can say, okay, well now I know that. So what's the best thing that could happen? If we're going to build a worst case scenario, let's build a best case scenario. Let's build out what the best case could be. If I do this and it leads to this, you got to think of what's in your control, which I'm working on y'all, but what is in your control? So if I want to make, say, I want to make $1,500. Okay, well, how could I do it? Well, the only thing in control are what I put out, who I talk to, what I sell. So I might say, okay, well, I will try to sell my course. All right. How many spots do I need to sell in order to make that money? Since I can't control how many I sell, but I can control how many people I reach out to. I can control how many people I talk to, how many calls that I get on. I can control how many people I message, how many emails I send, how many social posts I do. There are things that are in my control that will lead to me getting closer to the outcome and will likely lead to that outcome.

If I say that's happening, it's okay. Well, what do I need to do to get there? I say all this, even though like, obviously y'all, you're witnessing me struggling to hear myself, right? All this shit that I need to be internalizing, but the good shit, not the spiral shame shit. We're working on it. Pushing that out of our body, releasing it and allowing the good shit, accepting we love ourselves unconditionally. We're fucking amazing beings in, I'm pulling that in.

Oh, another good one is as I was just reading some more advice, because I reach out to my mastermind. I said, look, guys, I'm fucking afraid. And they said, okay, get it. Been there and done that. Here's some things that will help me or here are things to consider. So another one is, which one are you going to feel more comfortable with? The side where you end up self-sabotaging in some way or the one where you do the thing and it feels uncomfortable, but you did the thing versus just like avoiding doing the thing. And which discomfort do you want? Because you're going to have one either way, right? So if you are going to have a shit feeling either way, you're going to be afraid either way. Then which one do you want to sit with? Which one is going to feel like I can handle that one? And sometimes that means we do pick the one that's not as scary, right? We pick the one that's like keeping us back because we're like, I'm afraid of handling the other one. I'll handle the fear that I already know that I can survive. We do that over and over and sometimes subconsciously or completely unconsciously, I guess. But if we continuously do that, we will keep finding ourselves in the same place.

So that's why I'm here today saying, I noticed that I'm going through this. I'm literally in this. All I wanted to do was just be like, I just kind of wish I was still sick. So I'd have a reason so I could go cover myself up in the covers, hide in the bed and cry. And I'm not sick anymore. And I don't really want to be, do I? Because it wasn't fun when I was. So I guess I'm choosing to be uncomfortable and work through it. And I chose to work through it by I said, you know what? Okay, let's journal about this. Or in this case, I decided to turn my journal into a podcast episode for someone else to listen to if they want. So that it's me proving to myself I will survive. And I can publish a podcast episode of me being very vulnerable and uncomfortable. Put it out for anyone to listen to. And I'll still be kicking. I'll still survive. And I'll be fine. So I'm doing that. Because it's the scarier version, but it's also the one that I know is going to get me closer to the version of me who has more data to say, you survived that.

I don't know. I hope this helps you. I hope that seeing someone else or hearing them will work through shit when they're not certain exactly how sometimes. And they don't know how it'll turn out, but they're doing it anyway. I hope that that can give you some sort of comfort if you are also struggling in that way so that you can know, okay, well, you watch someone else do it. They're surviving. And you're eventually, what I'm going to say right now, if I continue to do this, you will see me six months from now, a year from now. And I will be in a completely different mentality. And it's because I will have done this over and over. And I will have shown up every time I didn't want to and every time I was scared. And so what I'm going to say is I'm putting it out in the universe in six months in July 2024. I'm going to have, oh, well, I'm scared to say, but I want to say I will have reached 10,000 writers because I will be pushing myself every time I keep doing this. And I will have not only reached that, I will have also stepped into a place of full ownership of like, I'm doing this because I've survived a hundred times of discomfort before. And now it's not uncomfortable anymore.

Now I'm looking for the next thing that's going to make me uncomfortable because that's what we're creatures of wanting to keep growing, right? We hit one success and then we're like, okay, well, what's next? So it'll be really fun when I'm not feeling this way. And I feel fucking amazing all the time. And you're going to say, Katie, you're totally unrelatable because you're in this great place. You clearly have never had self-doubt in your life. That is the dream. I want it to be that I seem so confident that someone could be like, how could you ever have faced self-doubt? I, there's no way you, no way. That's the dream, right?

If someone could see me and say, oh my God, there's no way I'd be like, I made it. Now what? Got to do the next thing, right? All right. I want this for you too. So if this, if this connects to you, if this relates in any way at all, I would love to hear it because I also am speaking to, you know, my computer, I'm doing these sessions that are like therapy on air to myself. And I don't know, is it helping? Is it not? I want to know. I want to know that I'm not alone and I want you to know you're not either. And also I like validation. I don't have coworkers y'all. So if you want to give a little validation and tell me to keep going, um, I would really appreciate it. I would. Um, and I want it for you. So send me a note on Instagram. That's where I like to, that's where I like to like chat a little more informally. So follow me on Instagram. It's at Katie, my coach, send me a DM and just be like, Katie, I heard your podcast and whatever. Tell me anything or you're going to talk to me. I'm here for you. I want you to know I'm here and I support you and I, we're going to get through it all. And then also if you want to hear a little more, sometimes more vulnerable stuff, I tend to email. I know that this is going well, but I tend to actually email my, my list. Some really like bigger things that sometimes I'm still afraid to say out loud. Um, and I try, I have clients who will say, where's your inspirational emails? I need one of them. I'm like, I mean, I'm not trying, I don't, wouldn't call them inspiration, but they are me trying to help. Even when it's me just being like, things are crazy, huh? But um, they seem to help.

And so if you want to hear some of those or you want to hear me or see me just get even more vulnerable, then follow my email or get on my email list. You can actually just go to my website. I have a freebie you can download. It's a self doubt freebie. So yeah, yeah. Does Katie talk about self doubt? I don't know. Um, and it's, so it's a little workbook that you'll get some emails to, to guide you through to help you through some self doubt. But even if you just sign up for the list through there, get your freebie, do it whenever. I don't care. I hope you do it because I, I really put time into it, but you don't have to. And sign up for my email list and um, let's connect.

I am so honored that you took your time to listen to me today and I hope that I can continue to be a voice of support in your journey and know that you're being encouraged. Even if I don't know who you are. Um, I mean, I would like to know, so reach out, but even still, uh, I believe in you. Um, and I hope that by showing you, I'm, I'm believing in myself despite so much struggle and years of self doubt and shame spiraling and all that good stuff. Um, that means that you should believe in yourself too. And that's the time when I'm going to say should is allowed. Okay. So until next time, Writer, keep growing.

30: When Fear Strikes: Sit With Me as I Work Through Mental Shit

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